Keeping vigil

He was once a well built man, compassionate, intelligent, gentle, with a sense of humour that sparkled in his eyes and a long, distinguished record of civic service of which he was deservedly proud. In the hospital bed he was thin, uncomprehending, his hand regularly rising to touch the bridge of his nose and fall back again. His breathing was difficult, the skin of his chin hung down like a pelican's lower beak. He did not know me, though he opened his eyes just before I left as I said a prayer.

I find keeping vigil with those who are dying very hard, and very important, though I struggle to say why.

It is hard to concentrate on the person in front of me, putting aside my own sorrow and the ordinary distractions of the day and mendicant mind, to concentrate exclusively on him. I don't know what to pray for: a swift death without pain, perhaps, a blessing on someone whose connection with this world is now solely physiological.

Of course you can't avoid the distractions. Behind me a nurse was gently persuading a confused patient to take his trousers off: 'they're not yours,' she cajoled, 'they belong to this gentleman over here.' She gave the trousers back to their rightful owner. As she left the bay another patient called 'I'd better keep my teeth in tonight.'

I think I go for me - later, when he has died, I must be professional and push my own sadness pushed aside. This is a man I've known a little for 8 years, and seen more of more recently, not someone I know very well; but I grieve none the less.

I think I go for him: to keep vigil is to offer company to someone who can't receive it, sitting with someone utterly alone. Yet, despite that, I think I go for him.

Sometimes I go for the relatives - who often appreciate a familiar person watching alongside, and sometimes someone to talk to - but not this time, and it's never the main reason.

So I sit and think and pray. It's impossible to know but I think he'll live days more yet. Let us hope - for him, for his family, and for me too - it's not a lot of days. I will go back every couple of days.

See: Too many funerals